Uncomfortably Numb

The day after you break up is always a weird day, even more so if you are the one who did the breaking. Part relieved that you have done the necessary, part sad at the ending of good times, part lonely for the lack of another being that cares for you, part anticipating the future. A day of mixed feelings that eventually become so mixed up that they cancel each other out and you trip over into unfeeling, numbness, nothing, punctuated by the odd peak of emotion that slips through the net of interference.

Today is that day for me. Last night I broke it off for the second time with The Complicated Creature, after a forty-text conversation that I would much rather have had on the phone or in person. He kept pushing until I had no choice but to answer bluntly. I did speak to him later, but it did not make it any better and I still came away feeling like an utterly two-dimensional low life who does not having the patience, desire and emotional maturity to stick at ‘it’.

Reasons against.....

1: It felt awkward sometimes after the perfect friendship that we had previously. What was supposed to be an easy transition turned into an awkward set of expectations and reservations.
2: He retreated emotionally and physically to such a distance I would think he wasn’t coming back which for me is intolerable.
3: He always felt that he was not my first choice, that I was looking for a better offer all the time 4: He felt I cared less about him when we were seeing each other than when we were friends
5: verything had to be analyzed and spoken about instead of just feeling the way we felt
6: I lacked the emotional maturity to see past or through the difficulties

Reasons for.....

1: We were (hopefully will be again) the best of friends
2: I absolutely love him
3: The other’s happiness is very important
4: He kissed beautifully

This is all just bullshit, I fucked up yet again and now I am feeling sorry for myself. No big deal, its not like this is the first time I have done this, I am becoming frighteningly adept at pissing away perfectly good relationships. I seem to be incapable of keeping myself from ditching a man. Its not that I can’t keep them, far from it, I am fabulous at that, I am just never happy, so sooner or later there will be and ‘intolerable’ something-or-other and the poor love gets the heave-ho.

What a fucked up state of being.

Time for Gin

Tata xx x

Not MFEO

What was fallen into can be fallen out of, to slide back to where we started, to before it all began; we are friends once more. Not so bad, I guess, in fact you could say fantastic. What is so bad about having a deep and heart-felt friend who will tell you the truth, love you, support you, laugh with you, let you cry, sit and giggle over the stupidest of things, defend your honour among the other thousand things you give to each other? There is no shame, no loss in that. In fact that is a cause for celebration.

I am not celebrating though, I am mourning. Mourning a fleeting chance at something rare, so close I touched it, if only momentarily, but never managed to catch and now gone. As you said though, I never sleep, I never come, I don't fancy you, I would be settling, we've both had better lovers, you aren't in love with me and of course I am not in love with you, you don't want to be put in a box, I need to be adored, you don't match my fantasy ideal, there is too much baggage on both sides.

Yet still I mourn, why? Really! Why? Habit; perhaps I have merely grown accustomed to your face, this is a passing phase that will fade like the morning mist in the heat of the sun. When the extraneous has burned away there will remain the truth of it and we will both be able to move forward into the next stage of our lives. Perhaps loneliness; I will have yet another failure to hang about my neck, another badge of dishonour that I bear like a stain on my rotten heart. I will have to consider that I may never find my true friend, my true lover, and my counterpoint in the world.

If I think that, I am broken; no glue, no splint will heal this fracture. One soul rent apart, all hope, all light, spills out and I am gone. A body is left, a productive, a useful body that will continue its existence as if I were still here, but I am not.

The Female Condition

I have held you for so long, so close
we have become conjoined.
now I carry you with me wherever I go
unable to detach from you, to be free.
A dragging weight around my neck
the blood in my veins, the air in my lungs.
words of poison whispered in my ear
Repeating misdemeaners to be ever refreshed
shown as new and sharp and dark
And wrong, so, so wrong.

Around inside me churns this mood
Each day brings more and worse deeds
Each day I feel heavier and slower
What if one day I can take no more?
No more lies, no more shame
no more imperfection, no more guilt?
Guilt, my true and trusted advisor.
A part of my heritage, a part of me
My female condition.

Offloading

Unmet needs
Time to tease
slap and tickle
aim to please
Dive in, crawl out
slide over, push back
see me white
paint it black
take the blood
give it back
arch and crane
cavort and dance
see it coming
one last chance
hide and seek
your love to keep
whisper to me
your hearts desire

Nature nurture

Looking at the two of you
Is sometimes a trick of the eye.
Do I see father and son or
Do I see you and your inner child?
When you nurture him it nurtures you
As you are healed so is he
And the bond grows ever stronger.
A bond as hard as ebony but
Like the wood it lives and bends and grows
As a living, breathing far reaching tree.
Together you thrive.

New vision

A paradigm shift
two paces to the left and turn
Now face the other way
from disdain to lay claim
take from this world what is needed
give to this world what you offer
see the bad in the good
see the light in the dark
and all the spaces in between

Wrong side of the door

I've been here for a while now
seen you happy,sad, angry, scared.
Sometimes only I got to see
Because you only wanted me.

I thought we were talking
But the door closed in my face.

I don't ask you to be anyone else
just come as you are
So I was surprised
When I was turned away.

I thought we were talking
But the door closed in my face

So where is your head at?
What's happening in your heart?
What's messing with your energy?
Something tells me it is me.

I thought we were talking
It seems I was wrong

Layering

This wardrobe starts on the inside
And strays to the outside.
The layer of humour, if you are laughing you cannot ask
The layer of brashness, if I am loud you cannot be heard
The layer of fun, if I put you on my roller coaster you cannot get off
The layer of sexual allure, if I confuse your body you will not notice
The layer of dependency, if I cannot cope alone you will rescue me
The layer of agression, if you are frightened you will leave it alone
The layer of devotion, if I am needed you will keep me sweet.
Last come the layers you see, the deception is complete
An imprenetrable wall, years in the making.
When the layers are gone will there be anything left?

Taoist dance

The Swing and the Sway
The Tao and the Te
Step away and return
Flow from without to within

The rest in the beats
The void in the notes
experience the virtue
Then slide on through

Rip It up

In through my feet
Out through my fingers
Energy flows, explodes
Scatter bombs of light and sound.
Pulse beats out

My heart marks time

Rythym gains pace

And my body obeys.

The slave to the rythym
The swing and the sway
The mood and the passion
I am music, dance me free.

The View from There

When people look at us what do they see?
Married with children.
For all the world a pair of prolific producers,
Out with our little hoard.
An easy companianship, forged over years,
A natural evolving of love.

When I look at us what do I see?
Our time waiting to begin.
Looking for a sign that I can unlock the box inside me,
take the hook from the catch and open the lid.
Cross my fingers and steal myself to look inside,
hoping I haven't left it too late to look.

When you look at us what do you see?
Is this the whole nine yards?
Does she want me for my money, the security,
because I'm a good lay, because I'm a nice guy?
Or will she be the yin to my yang?
Can we be each other's morning, noon and night?

Thought Process

Its there, scratching at the edge of my thoughts
The idea, the solution, the last piece of the puzzle.
If I talk too loud or press too hard
It hides away, like a fearful child.
If I wait, if I can be subtle
It will tiptoe towards me
Clamber carefully into my lap
Wrap it's small arms around my neck
And embrace me.

Breathe me In

Stand still and face me
Until we are the eye of the storm
The quiet before the thunderclap
The rest before the note rings clear

Be quiet and hold my hands
Feel their warmth become you
My energy flow out to you and
Make a circle between you and me

Step close enough to embrace me
Your eyes looking into mine
Your chest rising and falling in time
And breathe me in

Love By Proxy

To you I give this woman fair
In my stead she stands so have a care
Her mind and wit, fleet as your own
Seeds of desire that I have sown

A princess you made her
But I am still the queen bee
Standing still for the world to see
That you are no more than a friend to me

When in my deepest heart recesses
A well of desire to love transgresses
Expands, spills and coalesces
Into a wedge to make the biggest of messes

Pain and anguish all abound
Her love becomes a baying hound
Crying, screaming her wounds to all
The siren sound of angst to call

You, confused, battered and then forlorn
Your delicate heart again was torn
As friend I came to rescue you
Found your heart and gave it back to you

But now we stand, an impasse is reached
A line I crossed, a taboo was breached
Though time will tell the damage done
Now my heart it cries for the wounds succumb

Quietly

I will tiptoe into your heart
Slide silently under your skin
Sneak into your subconsious
Until on day
I am innate to you

The Big Question

You are my rock, this I know to be definite
But are you my love rock?
Are you my buttered toast, my cat gotten cream?
Are you the having and eating of my cake?
Are you my love-rock-cake?

If I love you and give you my heart
what exactly will you do with it?
Will you treasure it, cherish it, protect it?
Or, will you take it for granted until it withers?
Is my heart safe with you?

When I am even wrinklier than now, so much so
that only true love can blind you
will it still blind me?
When we are raisins baked in the sun of years
will we still see the juicy grapes of before?

And what happens to your heart in all of this?
Do I get to see it? Can I touch it, hold it?
Can I take it home for the holidays -
it is a very responsible job.
Will you trust me to look after your heart?

Now that is a lot of questions, could take ages to answer them all,
perhaps a lifetime of time
Can you spare me that? Share it with me?
Do you have time to see
if indeed you are for me?