Uncomfortably Numb

The day after you break up is always a weird day, even more so if you are the one who did the breaking. Part relieved that you have done the necessary, part sad at the ending of good times, part lonely for the lack of another being that cares for you, part anticipating the future. A day of mixed feelings that eventually become so mixed up that they cancel each other out and you trip over into unfeeling, numbness, nothing, punctuated by the odd peak of emotion that slips through the net of interference.

Today is that day for me. Last night I broke it off for the second time with The Complicated Creature, after a forty-text conversation that I would much rather have had on the phone or in person. He kept pushing until I had no choice but to answer bluntly. I did speak to him later, but it did not make it any better and I still came away feeling like an utterly two-dimensional low life who does not having the patience, desire and emotional maturity to stick at ‘it’.

Reasons against.....

1: It felt awkward sometimes after the perfect friendship that we had previously. What was supposed to be an easy transition turned into an awkward set of expectations and reservations.
2: He retreated emotionally and physically to such a distance I would think he wasn’t coming back which for me is intolerable.
3: He always felt that he was not my first choice, that I was looking for a better offer all the time 4: He felt I cared less about him when we were seeing each other than when we were friends
5: verything had to be analyzed and spoken about instead of just feeling the way we felt
6: I lacked the emotional maturity to see past or through the difficulties

Reasons for.....

1: We were (hopefully will be again) the best of friends
2: I absolutely love him
3: The other’s happiness is very important
4: He kissed beautifully

This is all just bullshit, I fucked up yet again and now I am feeling sorry for myself. No big deal, its not like this is the first time I have done this, I am becoming frighteningly adept at pissing away perfectly good relationships. I seem to be incapable of keeping myself from ditching a man. Its not that I can’t keep them, far from it, I am fabulous at that, I am just never happy, so sooner or later there will be and ‘intolerable’ something-or-other and the poor love gets the heave-ho.

What a fucked up state of being.

Time for Gin

Tata xx x