As ever, personal torment prevails.
I have been put in the dog house again, not entirely sure why (lie - I have a pretty good idea why)and frankly feeling quite unrepentent about it. Fuck it, I can only be me right? What's so effing wrong with me anyway, OK that was a stupid question to which I could give you a five hundred word essay reply, but not today....
Today it is F U! I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, who keeps sending her to the dog house, when all she is asking him to do is love her.
The boy in question has an unnerving ability to make me clam up whenever there is an issue I want to address, how does that happen? I have a sneaking suspicion that I find it easier not to say anything or to walk away rather than have to risk an unwelcome response. Which makes it nigh on impossible to say things like 'please don't ignore me, I require lots of attention and I am not going to change' or 'If something is wrong could you just say instead of withdrawing into your shell' or 'If you don't like me that much then let's be adults and move on', you know - little things that make such a difference in a relationship. Yet I cannot make my mouth form the words or if I do my tone is of complaining child and my concerns are dismissed out of hand.
The result is that my body language, my attitude, my whole demeanor exudes tension. I can't relax, can't sleep properly, my usual easy banter disappears and I end up a dullard with nothing of any wit or interest about me. There is no warmth, no true affection, I have nothing to offer. The tension builds until I am no longer able to contain it and rather than have a normal and contstructive conversation words burst forth as a torrent of frustration, a scatter bomb of anxieties, which have to be waded through and defended against until the pressure subsides. After which there is the inevitable period of distance before a reconciliation and an opening of hearts is had.
Why do I repeat this pattern? I don't enjoy it, yet I cannot seem to change it. Inevitably there must be a toll to be paid upon any relationship that exists on these terms. I just want to talk and be heard and for a compromise to be reached. I am not asking for the stars - at least I don't think I am.
I have been put in the dog house again, not entirely sure why (lie - I have a pretty good idea why)and frankly feeling quite unrepentent about it. Fuck it, I can only be me right? What's so effing wrong with me anyway, OK that was a stupid question to which I could give you a five hundred word essay reply, but not today....
Today it is F U! I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, who keeps sending her to the dog house, when all she is asking him to do is love her.
The boy in question has an unnerving ability to make me clam up whenever there is an issue I want to address, how does that happen? I have a sneaking suspicion that I find it easier not to say anything or to walk away rather than have to risk an unwelcome response. Which makes it nigh on impossible to say things like 'please don't ignore me, I require lots of attention and I am not going to change' or 'If something is wrong could you just say instead of withdrawing into your shell' or 'If you don't like me that much then let's be adults and move on', you know - little things that make such a difference in a relationship. Yet I cannot make my mouth form the words or if I do my tone is of complaining child and my concerns are dismissed out of hand.
The result is that my body language, my attitude, my whole demeanor exudes tension. I can't relax, can't sleep properly, my usual easy banter disappears and I end up a dullard with nothing of any wit or interest about me. There is no warmth, no true affection, I have nothing to offer. The tension builds until I am no longer able to contain it and rather than have a normal and contstructive conversation words burst forth as a torrent of frustration, a scatter bomb of anxieties, which have to be waded through and defended against until the pressure subsides. After which there is the inevitable period of distance before a reconciliation and an opening of hearts is had.
Why do I repeat this pattern? I don't enjoy it, yet I cannot seem to change it. Inevitably there must be a toll to be paid upon any relationship that exists on these terms. I just want to talk and be heard and for a compromise to be reached. I am not asking for the stars - at least I don't think I am.
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