First Thing

"Snuggle down here Little One; we don’t have to get up just yet."

You smell delicious lying here next to me - like fresh baked bread: warm and indulgent and comforting. I can't help it, still after all these years, almost six now, I love the smell of your hair and I will steal a snuffle whenever I can. One day I guess you won’t want me to anymore, will brush me off with the disdain only a teen can muster and deliver, but for now you acquiesce with more grace than I deserve.

So there we both are with only our noses peeking out, it’s just us girls in my big bed. Our time before we really, really, really do have to get up and rush about like mad things to get out the door in time for school. We chat about nothing of consequence, we laugh at the cat – the third of our coven, who insists on being part of our morning ritual. Little One looks at me with her father’s eyes laid underneath my expressions and as sometimes happens, my voice catches as I notice that they also look like me mother’s eyes, but only sometimes.

I have often told Little One that her granny would have loved her, I mean really loved her. There are traits that all three of us hold and I have had day dreams of how much fun we would have had together, how they would have related to each other and how different life would be had my mother still been here.

She is not, nor ever will be, so it is just the two of us today, snuggled up warm and giggling in bed, avoiding the chill of the bedroom. I’m glad of this time we share, only little moments perhaps, but quietly precious to me.

“Oooh, I do love you Little One.”

“I love you too Mummy.”

Rested

Is it wrong to feel better?

Is it wrong to feel lighter?

Is it wrong to feel free?

Yes.

So the guilt seeps in, just a little

through the cracks in my resolve

under the door to my stone heart

And I miss you, but just a bit.

Not the silence, not the rejection

not the distance, not the control

not the cowardice, not the judgement

not the disdain, not the mistrust.

But

Yes to the tender, yes to the grin

Yes to the insight, yes to the wisdom

Yes to the ridiculous, Yes to the inane

Yes to the chest, yes to the kiss.

A small sigh is allowed before continuing with the day.

Manifesto

Love is not something you say,
Love is something you do;
So every day I will give to you
my heart remade brand new.
Every day I will kiss you
just like I did the first time.
Every day I will look at you
through fresh new eyes and stare
in wonder and awe that you are here.
Every day I will ask you to be with me,
To hold my hand, to laugh, to just be.
Every day I will do my best to be me,
the me you fell in love with
So that every day when we say I love you
It will be true.

Moon Dust Star Shine

I am the dust of the universe,
I am the child of light,
Sunshine blasts right through me
And streams on through to night.
I am the mother of intention,
I am the cup of the soul,
Thoughts and deeds and bodies
combine to make up the whole.

Still Waters Run Deep

When my heart opens the love gushes out,
A torrent that swells around you.
But you stand fast and strong,
Until the waters run still and calm.
Then you swim in my ocean -
Warm and safe and kind,
Allowing my love to support you.

Just a Smile

Smile for me baby
Because it changes my world
Lights up this dark room
Like the brightest of days
A million watts coming at me
I bask in the warmth.

Smile for me baby
Because it changes my world
Pins me to the spot where I am
Like I'm wearing lead boots
A shiver I feel in my tummy
And the pleasure ripples out.

Smile for me baby
Because it changes my world
When I'm a little low, I feel lifted
Like you're holding my hand
Haul me up to your sunshine
You're my anchor and my wings.

Futility and an end to it

A small hard knot of anger sits just to the right of my heart and it hurts. I am angry with you for putting me in this position, I am angry at you for raising the issue now, at the most inopportune times when I am in a different place and headed in a different direction, not open to but pulled by you.

I am in doubt, in fear and in confusion since you asked me what you would have to do to make me yours and left 40 roses on my doorstep. What would have happened if I had told you, would you have managed all the herculean tasks I require of my one true love? Or would you have resigned before starting the race?

What would you have done if I had said that I need you to never hide from me or shut me out ever again, you cannot ignore me, that you need to put me above all others, sometimes even your children, that you have to ask me to marry you? That I expect to be treated like a princess, not necessarily in fiscal terms but I should be left in no doubt as to where your sun rises and your moon sets. Never take me for granted, always remind me of how lucky we are to have found one another, give me flowers for no reason, kiss me in the middle of an argument to interrupt my pattern and make me remember why I love you, hold me when I cry and accept that I will cry, trust that in my heart I always have your best interests at my core, trust that there are women in the world who will not hurt you if you are open and continue to be open and that I am one of them. Even when I shout and am hysterical, weather the storm, then when I am calm and sorry, laugh at me so I can see the ridiculousness of my actions but not believe that I am aiming my barbs at you. Let me look after you and love you and hold your heart forever.

What would you have done if I had said all that to you? What would you have done if I had told why it will never happen, why I can't let go of the times before and all the things that have happened already. Why I believe I am simply a distraction to grief, to boredom, to a poisonous love that you don't want to be attracted back to but are oddly drawn. What if I told you that I still have the barb of betrayal when you were riding your high horse all the while fucking a woman who hates me with an unnatural passion so much that she frightens me, that I think less of you for going back and that I at some level I believe you would prefer it to be her. What if I told you I believe that you will tire of this new focus and decide that I am too much like hard work and perhaps you were mistaken all along? What if I told you that I don't trust you, you want so much to be independent that you don't share things with me that I would have enjoyed celebrating with you and that I believe you hid them to keep your options open with me. What would you say?

Dark Smile

Eyes cast downwards but looking through lashes
Smiles start at eyes and curve around lips that part
revealing shiny white and then pink, that pink!
It's tip sliding just out of reach, so tantalisingly tender
asking to be touched and the space explored.


A pressure onto light cushions of lips
sweet, luscious and parted in invitation
Those parted lips, the entrance to divinity
teasing, tempting, creating an ache deep inside
that demands to fill the space behind.

Moonlight Fiesta

When you're away no mice will play

No cats prowl round

Through halls and on stairs

No dogs bay at moons

No sounds do they dare

Not a scratch, not a mew
Is uttered without you.

So, come back, bring your voice
Rise up with the hoards
The animals abound
The mouse, cat and hound
All wait for your step -
They listen at the door.
So come to us
Come once more
Bring the fiesta
Bring the treats
Bring the party of lights
Bring the twilight of summer
To our winter of nights
We wait now so patient
With our paws in our laps
No wags of tails
No scratching of mats
Like good little creatures
We wait for your call
For the sound of your key
The rally to the call
Then sunshine, oh sunshine
We are back in the fray
To the warmth and the laughter
We are taken away
To sing and dance in the
Of sunshine of smiles
With squeaks and cat calls
and barks of delight
We twirl and spin until
Day becomes night
Then we dance on some more
Until the first rays of sun
Cat, mouse and hound
Are undone.
To sleep where we fall
Celebration a success
With smiles in our sleep
On our furry faces we keep
Sunshine clothes us
Bathes us fresh
In our sleep.

Empty House

In there I kept my life, behind those walls

Where you looked in windows, peered round doors

But no more are you welcome, no more, no more.

Once you turned away there was no room to turn back

the path was too narrow and the brambles too thick

so you went on your way, walk away, walk away.

The drafts whistle through the halls and stairs

the air is chill and the rooms are bare

All closed up and quiet now, hush, hush, still.

The Days

This place has made a liar of me
This time a time of shame
Truth get thee behind me
I know not your rightful name.

Once I was true before the darkness
The engulfing loss of love
Too pure too sharp too deep to bear
Heart sealed in a velvet glove.

The lack therein the space lies open
Waiting for the nectar to fill
Yet no more can the hole grow to whole
Than the earth be any other than still.

No Gallant Knight, no suitor fair
No offspring, neither bonny nor blithe
Can replace the gaping maw within
Or heal the pain of not seeing you alive.

So in a life half lived I view this world
A stranger looking without from within
Through a pane of seperation
Out to games I will never join in.

Deep Circle

Come to bed with me.
I want to arrange myself upon you,
With my head rested just so.
I will inhale the scent of your chest,
Your warm smell lulling me until
My breath slows to the pace of devotion
And my consciousness slides down out of view
Until I am peace.

Remember When

Remember when we danced through the night
Drunk and happy and eyes lit up bright.
I looked at you and my heart was sure
In a way that it could never have been before.
The room was spinning and so was my head,
But somewhere inside me a sober voice said
"This is it, its happening, I'm just so sure",
Then you twirled me around and my head span more.

That night you adored me, loved me you said
And paid me attention in the dances you led.
We stayed 'til the end, stretched the night to it's full,
Then staggered upstairs, the past to annul.
And we did, we erased, the slate was wiped clean
With kisses and and semen and all in between.
Then morning broke, cold, clear and bright,
Unlike us who were fuzzy, yet it all seemed all right.

All the barriers were gone and I saw you there
I was so amazed all I could do was stare
At this beautiful man who had opened his heart,
Grasped the nettle, took the step and let us re-start.
From tepid and tremulous to bold and impassioned
Not one minute more would our feelings be rationed.
So I remember that night and hold the memory dear,
Of the night we finally let go of our fear.

Fallen Angel

There you are, my fallen angel
Smiling at me through turquoise eyes.
An ageless beauty surrounds you
An ancient within a child lies.

Like poles apart, we are drawn together,
No misdeeds do my actions belie.
But caught in your elegant arms' embrace,
Our breath becomes a wind of sighs.

If to turn from you would be a sin of ages,
Then to stay would seem folly indeed.
The world has our lives mapped before us
And my station in life all but decreed.

So, my sweet fallen angel, love,
our situation thus far is shown
Our souls pulled together with passion,
But our lives to be separate, alone.

Witness

I watched you both
As you fell into each others arms
And into each others hearts.
I watched you feel your way forward
Three steps forward and two steps back;
Two tender souls tiptoeing towards one another.

Then it happened, it crashed down
In a cacophony of cross words and misconstrued barbs.
Two fortresses hastily rebuilt,
Two sets of boundaries with sentries posted night and day.
Recriminations thrown over high walls
To fall on deaf ears.

But don't forget, I saw you before.
I saw your face, I heard your voice
I listened to your words,
I watched you come into bloom with my very own eyes.
Before the wrong I saw the rightness
And I bore witness to your heart.

Turn turn turn

As ever, personal torment prevails.

I have been put in the dog house again, not entirely sure why (lie - I have a pretty good idea why)and frankly feeling quite unrepentent about it. Fuck it, I can only be me right? What's so effing wrong with me anyway, OK that was a stupid question to which I could give you a five hundred word essay reply, but not today....

Today it is F U! I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, who keeps sending her to the dog house, when all she is asking him to do is love her.

The boy in question has an unnerving ability to make me clam up whenever there is an issue I want to address, how does that happen? I have a sneaking suspicion that I find it easier not to say anything or to walk away rather than have to risk an unwelcome response. Which makes it nigh on impossible to say things like 'please don't ignore me, I require lots of attention and I am not going to change' or 'If something is wrong could you just say instead of withdrawing into your shell' or 'If you don't like me that much then let's be adults and move on', you know - little things that make such a difference in a relationship. Yet I cannot make my mouth form the words or if I do my tone is of complaining child and my concerns are dismissed out of hand.

The result is that my body language, my attitude, my whole demeanor exudes tension. I can't relax, can't sleep properly, my usual easy banter disappears and I end up a dullard with nothing of any wit or interest about me. There is no warmth, no true affection, I have nothing to offer. The tension builds until I am no longer able to contain it and rather than have a normal and contstructive conversation words burst forth as a torrent of frustration, a scatter bomb of anxieties, which have to be waded through and defended against until the pressure subsides. After which there is the inevitable period of distance before a reconciliation and an opening of hearts is had.

Why do I repeat this pattern? I don't enjoy it, yet I cannot seem to change it. Inevitably there must be a toll to be paid upon any relationship that exists on these terms. I just want to talk and be heard and for a compromise to be reached. I am not asking for the stars - at least I don't think I am.

The Droplet in the River

I had a problem and
you solved it.
Were you there?
No, but with me was your knowledge
True and seeing
Straight as an arrow.
To the heart of the matter
You take me
and I thank you,
My angel,
My River of truth.
Bless your sacred soul.