A space is left behind, just a little hole, torn at the edges; It's the place where you used to be. I ripped you out and threw you away and now I am uncomfortably lighter. Its a strange feeling, slightly unbalanced, or as if I have forgotten to do something of vital importance. I know this feeling will fade and the tear will heal, but you had been there for so long you had grown to be a part of me, a part of who I am and so a part of me is gone, missed by the remainder of the whole.
I am left with the knowledge that in actual fact I meant little to you, that my feelings were of no consequence when compared to your desires and needs and that you actually felt much less for me than I ever felt for you. The fact that you obviously and repeatedly dismissed or diminished who I was in your life makes me feel very sorry for myself; I hate feeling sorry for myself.
I am sorry for you too, sorry that this is the world that you live in, that this is your experience of life. I couldn't live where you live, its too dark, the crush of the pressure too much and I wonder how you bear it day in, day out. I think that in time it will take its toll on you and I have only pity for you. One day I hope it will be the compassion you need, but for now pity is all I have.
Here is my lesson: Listen to my instinct, trust it wholeheartedly, no matter what the rest of me hears or feels or sees and never ever waver. My instinct is pure gold, 100% infalliable and I made the mistake of ignoring it; the little hints, the tapping of feet, clicking of tongue. I even managed to ignore the screams of disbelief and the cries of anguish as I set myself up for even more pointless anguish. Never again. Never, ever, again.
